As I collect all of our allergy child's previous test results I can't help but think of my feelings during those times. As a mother to a child with multiple allergies my emotions have been on a constant roller coaster. I feel as though every time I begin to feel confident and allow myself to lower my guard, a reaction occurs. So I get caught up in this never ending cycle of confidence, guilt, worry, and borderline craziness.
I'm haunted by other stories of fatal and near fatal reactions. A little girl at recess being given a peanut by a friend, a little boy in school being given a peanut butter granola bar, a little girl eating a sandwich that contained cross contamination, the teenager that ate the "safe" brownie (cross contamination), the little boy that ate a "safe" cookie (cross contamination), the adult that ate a "safe cookie" (cross contamination), the adult male that ate at a restaurant after describing in detail his allergies. All of these stories cross my brain each and every day.
It is because of these feelings and stories that I am unable to allow our allergy child to eat at restaurants. It is because of these stories that I allow very, very, few people to watch my son. These stories are double edged swords. On one hand it is because of these fatal reactions that so many more parents (including myself) are more aware of how to handle their child with allergies. However, it is on the other hand that these same stories haunt my dreams at night.
I am starting to feel that very same thing about this blog. Before I started writing about our experiences, it was much easier for me to let it go. However, now I feel as though my brain is constantly thinking about allergies. If I'm not thinking about the safety of my son, or what I'm going to make him to eat, then I'm thinking about what my next post should be about. It doesn't help that I have 'liked' numerous allergy awareness sites on Facebook. It makes it downright impossible for me to just let it go. I'm still trying to figure out if that's a good thing or not. Because like I said, when I do let my guard down, a reaction is almost inevitable. I guess all I can do is learn to deal with it.